A feminist manifesto on overcoming the biological burden of urination

Rated PG-13
As most of you know, before we crossed the border, Tree and I spent our last couple weeks in San Diego with the Simkos.  During that time, I cleaned and organized the van with the help of the two youngest Simkos, Kayden and Avary. Curious as kids are, they loved to ask me how things work in Sprinterlife.  Is this where you sleep? Is that where Kiki eats? You get the picture. The one question that I couldn’t quite answer though was, where do you pee?
Well, girls, it’s more complicated than just where I pee; it’s more a question of how.
For centuries, men have had the apparatus advantage in urination, but get ready, because the times they are a changin’! Read below to learn how I have overcome yet another biological burden and liberated myself from the bondage of sitting down.
The first time I used it, I didn’t want to take any chances. I took off all my clothes and made a paper towel-landing pad on the floor of the van. I uncapped the empty one-gallon water jug and positioned it by my side next to the baby wipes. Then, I got down on my knees and carefully placed the soft rubber, purple funnel over my yoni just like it said to do in the Freedom Whiz brochure. 
So far, so good. I inserted my new prosthetic penis in the water bottle, and tried to concentrate.
From their respective beds, Kiki and Tree tracked my every move.  She showed only mild concern, but Tree’s mouth slackened and his eyes stretched wide. His look reflected a cross between wonder and amusement with flashes of horror.
“Stop staring at me.”
“Why?”
“Because it looks funny with a funnel on, and I don’t want you to think of it this way.”
“I think it looks cute. Like a purple anteater.”
What can I say? I love my funnel. I know, I know, you may find it distasteful, but you need to understand that to me, it’s liberating. Before, I used to have to scurry around, half-blind and bleary eyed in the middle of the night, looking for a bush to hide behind. One time, I even had to pee on the roof of the Bellagio, and they have security cameras. But, now, things are different. Thanks to my Freedom Whiz funnel and a water jug, I, too, get to pee in the warmth and comfort of home.  -STEVIE

Comments

  1. Oh my god, the underbelly of Sprinterlife is exposed. Watch out Kiki, no family secrets are safe. And for the record, the funnel does NOT win the family size competition.
    tree

  2. I have one too, for sailing. But I've never heard the fundamentals explained so hilariously – and sincerely! Thanks Stevie! You open up the doors for all women!

  3. I want one! This will change every long drive and camping trip forever:)
    Thanks Stevie for sharing.

  4. Anonymous says:

    My favorite quote off their website…. "Simply put, GoGirl is the way to stand up to crowded, disgusting, distant or non-existent bathrooms. It’s a female urination device (sometimes called a FUD) that allows you to pee while standing up. It’s neat. It’s discreet. It’s hygienic." I LOVE IT. My second favorite and the one that convinces me it's a MUST HAVE " If you just want to avoid the germs you find in nasty public toilets, you’ll love GoGirl." Thanks for opening my eyes Stevie. Where do I sign? And hopefully the kickback check from GoGirl is in the mail to YOU. 😉 -Indra

  5. Stevie, I just want to thank you for choosing THIS post to include my children. You have no idea what questions their asking now.

    Ladies…Congratulations you figured out how to pee standing up. We (men) will be impressed (threatened) when you write your name legibly on the ground. Think Cursive.

  6. Alexis Schulman says:

    Lol! Simko!!!!! I am a bathroom girl myself. I would invest in an RV or something with some kind of toilet. I am prone to stage fright.

  7. One word of warning ladies, the funnel is not, I repeat, NOT easy to use after wine tasting. Think of it as driving or operating heavy machinery: you should not be under the influence.

  8. Hey Stevie, I wish I'd have had a GoGirl on our kayak trip. It's going on my list for our next trip. The other comments are the best yet. I think Simko has given you a challenge! I will never hear the phrase" You go girl"again and not think purple!

  9. I want one! sign me up. I need it by the weekend. ummm… nevermind. Prank call, prank call… hang up!

  10. Stevie, Tree, and Kiki says:

    It's not that I'm trying to capitalize on a situation, but I know a pent-up demand when I see it. TREE

    GET YOUR RED HOT FEMININE FUNNELS, SHOP NOW, LIMITED QUANTITIES ON HAND, SHOP NOW, OUTDOORPLAY.COM OFFERS THE BRIGHTEST PURPLE FUNNELS, SHOP NOW…

    Buy Your Feminine Funnel Here! – OUTDOORPLAY.COM

  11. Alexis Schulman says:

    Hahahaha- capitalize on it Tree, make different colors! Poke-a-dot, Disney Princess themed!!

  12. Sarah F. Leith Bahn says:

    I LOVED THIS Posting!!!! TOO funny! You guys crack me off!!!! Miss you – Love Sarah

  13. LOL Borderline TMI. Gives new definition to YOU GO GIRL . –Willy

  14. Wait, what’s the water jug for?

We want to hear from you! You may comment as 'Anonymous' to hide your identity if you don't want to leave your name. We look forward to hearing from you.

Speak Your Mind

Your comments make us happy.

Leave a comment, get a kitten!