Two weeks after Soleil was born we were back at the doctors office for Stevie’s check-up. We were sitting across the desk when the doctor leaned over and asked us the question,
“So, what do you plan to use for birth control until you’re ready for the next one?”
“A vasectomy” I answered without hesitation.
The doctor chuckled, and then blinked twice as he stared at me trying to determine if I was serious. To say you’re only having one child in Latin America is blasphemy. He finally smiled and said,
“No really, what do you plan to use?”
“No… really Doc… a vasectomy.”
Stevie and I agreed early on that we would only have one child. We did so for two reasons. #1) Traveling with one child is infinitely easier. We live on the road, and that isn’t going to change. #2) We’re concerned about the survival of the planet, and the biggest thing a person can do to lower their footprint is to have fewer kids. We both agreed that if we wanted more in the future, we’d adopt.
So, a vasectomy was my destiny. I knew it. I’ve always known it. There was no running. There was no hiding. But let me just be honest about one thing,
A vasectomy is every man’s worst nightmare.
You can confirm this by observing the interactions men have with each other when the subject comes up. For example, if a guy tells his friend that he’s going to have, let’s say knee surgery, and that he is very nervous, chances are 99% that he will be met with the following response…
“Ah, don’t be such a ninny. Buck up. Do you need a tissue? How about a hug?”
You see, that’s the way men support each other. Now, if that same guy tells his friend that he’s going in for a vasectomy, everything gets very quiet. Both men stare at the floor. Eventually the friend will say something like…
“Bro, I’m really sorry man. That just sucks. I can’t believe it. F#ck.”
You see, every man knows this is no laughing matter. There are no jokes to be had. This is serious, and every man knows it.
Now, to all you women out there who are saying some version of the following…
“Come on, give me a break. Do you know what I went through in child birth? You have no idea what real pain is. Blaugh blaugh, blaugh…”
Let me share with you the following facts, and please pay close attention.
1) We know that your child birth was the most gnarly thing a human being can survive in terms of pain. We were there. We saw it go down, or at least those of us who didn’t faint. As a matter of fact, this is the reason that 99% of men will tell you that if it was our job to have the baby, we’d be extinct. We don’t deny it. You win.
2) Understand that although a vasectomy doesn’t compare to child birth in terms of pain, EVERY man’s worst psychcological fear is having another man, no matter how well trained, take a scalpel to his scrotum. There is no bigger fear. Me entiende?
After the doctor in Peru realized that I was serious about getting the vasectomy, he told me I could get it in Peru for much cheaper. I tried not to laugh. This was not the type of thing I planned to save money on.
I scheduled my appointment in the US and not long after I received my paperwork in the mail. The front of the pamphlet looked like the cover of a 1970s porn film. I couldn’t get past the first page.
My date with destiny was scheduled in Portland this morning. My brother drove me in and waited patiently by my side as the nurse prepped me. Looking around the room, I tried to decipher what all the tools would be used for. The toothbrush scared me the most.
I begged the nurse to put me under. “I don’t want to remember a thing”, I told her. “Knock me out. I can’t do this awake, seriously!”
She laughed like I was joking, and told me the doctor would be right in.
The doctor assured me that I wouldn’t feel a thing during the procedure because he was going to give me local injection into my testicles. Yeah, but what the hell was he going to give me for the local injection? That’s what I wanted to know!
I’ve had surgeries all over my body to repair various sports related injuries over the years. This was the first one that actually made me cry. True story.
It’s all over now. I am in Seattle at my sister’s house recovering. Tomorrow Stevie and Soleil fly up from LA to meet me. I hope they always remember this and appreciate the fact that Dad took one for the team.
P.S. – A special thanks to my brother who held my hand through the whole procedure. I’ve probably ruined any chance of him ever getting a vasectomy. Adam, you are the best bro. Had you not been there, I would have pulled a Simko. DING DING.