My Vasectomy

 

Two weeks after Soleil was born we were back at the doctors office for Stevie’s check-up. We were sitting across the desk when the doctor leaned over and asked us the question,

“So, what do you plan to use for birth control until you’re ready for the next one?”

“A vasectomy” I answered without hesitation.

The doctor chuckled, and then blinked twice as he stared at me trying to determine if I was serious. To say you’re only having one child in Latin America is blasphemy. He finally smiled and said,

“No really, what do you plan to use?”

“No… really Doc… a vasectomy.”

———————————————————————
Stevie and I agreed early on that we would only have one child. We did so for two reasons. #1) Traveling with one child is infinitely easier. We live on the road, and that isn’t going to change. #2) We’re concerned about the survival of the planet, and the biggest thing a person can do to lower their footprint is to have fewer kids. We both agreed that if we wanted more in the future, we’d adopt.

So, a vasectomy was my destiny. I knew it. I’ve always known it. There was no running. There was no hiding. But let me just be honest about one thing,

A vasectomy is every man’s worst nightmare.

You can confirm this by observing the interactions men have with each other when the subject comes up. For example, if a guy tells his friend that he’s going to have, let’s say knee surgery, and that he is very nervous, chances are 99% that he will be met with the following response…

“Ah, don’t be such a ninny. Buck up. Do you need a tissue? How about a hug?”

You see, that’s the way men support each other. Now, if that same guy tells his friend that he’s going in for a vasectomy, everything gets very quiet. Both men stare at the floor. Eventually the friend will say something like…

“Bro, I’m really sorry man. That just sucks. I can’t believe it. F#ck.”

You see, every man knows this is no laughing matter. There are no jokes to be had. This is serious, and every man knows it.

Now, to all you women out there who are saying some version of the following…

“Come on, give me a break. Do you know what I went through in child birth? You have no idea what real pain is. Blaugh blaugh, blaugh…”

Let me share with you the following facts, and please pay close attention.

1) We know that your child birth was the most gnarly thing a human being can survive in terms of pain. We were there. We saw it go down, or at least those of us who didn’t faint. As a matter of fact, this is the reason that 99% of men will tell you that if it was our job to have the baby, we’d be extinct. We don’t deny it. You win.

2) Understand that although a vasectomy doesn’t compare to child birth in terms of pain, EVERY man’s worst psychcological fear is having another man, no matter how well trained, take a scalpel to his scrotum. There is no bigger fear. Me entiende?

After the doctor in Peru realized that I was serious about getting the vasectomy, he told me I could get it in Peru for much cheaper. I tried not to laugh. This was not the type of thing I planned to save money on.

I scheduled my appointment in the US and not long after I received my paperwork in the mail. The front of the pamphlet looked like the cover of a 1970s porn film. I couldn’t get past the first page.

My date with destiny was scheduled in Portland this morning. My brother drove me in and waited patiently by my side as the nurse prepped me. Looking around the room, I tried to decipher what all the tools would be used for. The toothbrush scared me the most.

I begged the nurse to put me under. “I don’t want to remember a thing”, I told her. “Knock me out. I can’t do this awake, seriously!”

She laughed like I was joking, and told me the doctor would be right in.

The doctor assured me that I wouldn’t feel a thing during the procedure because he was going to give me local injection into my testicles. Yeah, but what the hell was he going to give me for the local injection? That’s what I wanted to know!


I’ve had surgeries all over my body to repair various sports related injuries over the years. This was the first one that actually made me cry. True story.

It’s all over now. I am in Seattle at my sister’s house recovering. Tomorrow Stevie and Soleil fly up from LA to meet me. I hope they always remember this and appreciate the fact that Dad took one for the team.

-TREE

P.S. – A special thanks to my brother who held my hand through the whole procedure. I’ve probably ruined any chance of him ever getting a vasectomy. Adam, you are the best bro. Had you not been there, I would have pulled a Simko.  DING DING.

 

Comments

  1. Wow! Hope maybe you had some frozen…just in case? I had Jimmy get his reversed!(much harder procedure)…but then again we had much different circumstances.
    While I wasn’t around for his first, he said it was actually a pretty easy recovery. I am starting to think that you just like the post surgery drugs with all you’ve subject yourself to lately though! Keep that ice on those nuts buddy! Merry Christmas!

  2. Ha.. Seriously a good move. Way to take one for the team. I went through mine a few weeks after Thor was born, and I can tell you I actually did not think it was bad at all. The drugs they give are great, and I can honestly say I had a better experience then going to the dentist. The most important thing is we still only have two kids. Rock on!

  3. Let’s talk facts.

    1. South American men don’t want a bunch of kids. They hate condoms like all men and they know the truth about “the vasectomy”. What choice do they have?

    2. As your best friend I promptly warned you about the procedure and the side effects you WILL suffer.

    3. A vasectomy does not get rid of sperm, it merely re-routes the little buggers. Where does the sperm go you ask?

    4. The sperm travels up the spine in your Cerebrospinal fluid then the dominant ones who have grown strong along the way by eating their brothers and sisters reach the brain. These now “super” sperm well fed and full of energy looking for an egg to fertilize have no choice but start eating your brain.

    5. Your screwed buddy and I told you so. You can at least take comfort in the fact that the super sperm start on their feast on the hippocampus. The hippocampus is essential (for learning new information) to the consolidation of information from short-term to long-term memory, although it does not seem to store information itself. Without the hippocampus, new memories are unable to be stored into long-term memory, as learned from HM after removal of his hippocampus[citation needed], and there will be a very short attention span

    All my love in the New Year.

    Simko

  4. Thanks for sharing!

  5. Tree,
    I commend you for the reasoning behind having the surgery and most of your blogs have been interesting, thought provoking and some have been funny and mostly good.
    If I NEVER hear anything else about your nuts I will be just fine with that….LOL
    I’m looking forward to meeting up with you guys when you get back from up north.
    Happy Holidays Bro,
    Willy

    P.S. Did you collect the package I sent to Outdoor Play?

  6. Melinda Casady says:

    If you can convince my husband it was a piece of cake that would be awesome

  7. Maritza Johnson says:

    HAHAHAHAAAAAAA
    “Bro, I’m really sorry man. That just sucks. I can’t believe it. F#ck.”

  8. Ah man.. Simko has me worried. Guess it is a great excuse when I make poor decisions.

  9. Lou Patterson says:

    Um, don’t need to see pics, thanks!

  10. Mick Evans says:

    Let’s all be thankful Tree is too young for a colonoscopy !! *grins*

  11. Matt Hudgens says:

    I’ve had two! Good times..

  12. Considering those gonads put my life in jeopardy so many times while inspiring so many amazing adventures, I’m not sure what to say other than farewell boys. – STEVE

  13. Emily Jackson says:

    haha, dad got his and a reversal, in the same year… don’t ask him about that one, not pleased lol

  14. So Tree, Stevie followed through with the threats she made during the hardest part of her her child birth ?? *grins*

  15. Charlie Munsey says:

    damn tree.. way to take one for the team!

  16. A shout out to the person who invented ice!

  17. Jason Beakes says:

    I need to get that done soon…

  18. My wife came along into the room to supervise. The doc asked if she wanted to make the actual “snips” but she chickened out! Probably lucky for me….

  19. Mark Hudon says:

    Yeah, we’ll, maybe somethings should be out of bounds.…

  20. Thanks a lot Tree. You’ve just scared the hell out of a lot of men, mine included. This post isn’t going to fare well for population reduction. You’re supposed to buck up and be tough in situations like these.

  21. Cheryll Anglin says:

    Oh, Tree…..

  22. April Huneycutt says:

    Good luck man!

  23. Madrigal Madri says:

    Un paso muy grande !!! Espero mejores pronto amigo !!

  24. Get well soon Tree and I agree in what you wirite in your post. Hugs for you, Stevie and Soleil.

  25. Jock Bradley says:

    Oh the joys the Information Age. Love u Tree, but your nuts on ice is TMI for me. LOL

  26. Patrick O'Keeffe says:

    overload

  27. AGAIN, you are such the MAN!!!

  28. Bethyn Merrick-Nguyen says:

    Tree, fast recovery my friend!

  29. ouch!

  30. Jim Snyder says:

    lol! I remember the doctor laughed a bit when he told me I miiight want to go home and put a bag of ice in my lap. Cool idea!

  31. They didn’t get you a big enough ice pack! No even close to big enough!!

  32. Tree, I thought I was gonna get to perform your vasectomy. If this one doesn’t take let me know and I’ll do it pro bono

  33. Oh My aching N–’s! Hope the pain goes away soon.
    Jim in PDX

  34. Eric Southwick says:

    Ouch Man! Get well soon Bro.

  35. Kelly Moeller says:

    Just in time for the holidays, y’all trimmed the Tree! Awesome!

  36. Joey Richardson says:

    Santa took something from the sack under the Tree

  37. Theresa Alexander says:

    Bag of peas!

  38. Good luck!

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