Kids Say the Darndest Things

I’m afraid to know where this post will wind up in the search engines. Probably somewhere between Viagra and gay porn.

But, I couldn’t help myself. Sometimes kids just say the darndest things…to their grandma.

So here’s what happened:

Sol went pee and then  jumped off the toilet and ran away, so I chased after her saying that she had to wipe. Tree overheard me, and took this as a golden opportunity to say his favorite Spanish word over and over again: “Va-hee-na! va-hee-na! Te tienes que secar la va-hee-naaaa!” (Editor’s note: it’s actually spelled ‘vagina,’ just like in English, but pronounced vaheena.)

Now, Sol doesn’t like to be told what to do with her vaheena by someone who doesn’t even have a vaheena.

Totally understandable.

“No Dada! You no have a vaheena. You have a penis!”

If it ended here, I probably wouldn’t be sharing this post, since this kind of episode plays out almost daily at our house. What made it all “next level” was Noni here visiting.

Noni and Sol making cupcakes

La Catrina Soleil

After setting her dad straight on the limits of power vested in his anatomy, Sol waltzed into the kitchen and asked:

“Noni?”

“Yes, my little one?”

“Do you like penis?”

Yup, that happened. Soleil asked GRANDMA if she likes penis. OH. MY. GOD.

“Uhhh……..”

I could tell Noni was torn. At this point, I really wanted to help her out but, honestly, I didn’t know what to say. Should we tell Soleil the truth? Yeah, kid, how do you think you got here? Or should we lie? Heaven’s no! Noni has never and WOULD NEVER like penis in her pure and saintly life! 

Fortunately Soleil jumped in with her response before Noni or I–or god forbid Tree–had a chance to reply.

“I don’t like penis, Noni. I like va-heeeeee-na.”

“Well, that’s good dear,” said Noni.

“And let’s keep it that way!” yelled Tree.

Ahhh, good times.

Soleil the bus driver

Anyhow, onto other subjects. What could I possibly tell you of interest after all that?

Oh, I know. I SENT THE MOTHERSHIP!! It’s “the classic” 11b route at Area 51 by Mt. Hood. And it was my very first time ever leading 11b. I’m not going to lie, I was a little scared because I don’t have a lot of practice leading, but that’s my new objective this summer: lead, lead, lead.

Unfortunately I don’t have a picture of sending Mothership since Tree was obviously belaying me at the time, so we took this after-shot instead.

What’s more impressive? My big guns or Mt. Hood?

Showing off my big guns

Here’s a shot of  Tree firing up Death Star, 12c, Area 51 (don’t worry, folks, Walter was belaying, I was on kid duty. The climb to the right of him is the fabulous Mothership.

Deathstar and Mothership

Wonder Wren and Super Sol, best of buddies!

sol and wren

Not that Noni ever needs a reason to come visit, but this time she came with a very important mission to accomplish: Get Soleil through her first 3 day 2 night stretch ever without mom and dad.

Tree and I had a conference to attend in Park City, Utah, so Noni arrived a week early with a car FULL of toys.  Clearly not her first rodeo. Within five minutes of arrival, the RV was filled with little pink plastic shit that hurts to step on and will kill a slide-out in 2 seconds flat (read: I hate little pink plastic shit). But Noni always packs out what she packs in, so I’ve learned to oblige her and Soleil.  Those two just have too much fun together.

Noni and toys

Because of our lifestyle, Sol and Tree and I rarely spend time apart. In fact, I’ve never spent more than a few hours away from Sol since the day she was born, and sometimes she freaks out if I even step out of her sight. It’s gotten so bad at times that we’ve taught her to practice a little mantra to reassure herself: “I don’t have to cry, mommy and daddy always come back.”

As it turned out, only a few tears were shed, all by me during the flight home. The Captain’s voice crackled over the loud speaker and said a “warning light” had come on, which to any reasonable person means “you are about to die and your child will grow up scarred and abandoned.”  Tree did his best to console me, probably because the other passengers don’t like it when someone is crying kind of loud and saying things like, “this is what happens before the plane crashes.”

Truthfully, I kind of knew that I would be the weakest link in this experiment. Seriously, I got it bad for my kid. Sometimes in the middle of the night, I miss her so much I have to get up just to smell her sweaty little head and give her another kiss.

Sol, on the other hand, didn’t cry at all, which really surprised me, until I saw this:

Noni's Plan

Noni’s plan included eating popsicles, making forts, playing with puppets, watching Caillou, drawing, play-doh, balloons!

They even got a pedicure.

Toes

I don’t think she missed us much at all.

Hmmmm, what do you think?

Sol and Noni fudgsicle

We’re out of Hood River now and heading north to Canada where we’ll be spending the summer in Squamish.

Before we left, Walter swung by and gave us the best going-away present ever: a portable hang board to do climbing workouts on the road. So rad! He even included some anchors for me to practice clipping and cleaning. Watch out climbing world! I’m hanging with the big boys!

hangboard

walter hug

Thank you, Walter!!!

Lastly, here’s a picture of the biggest dandelion I have ever seen.

I wish you all a great weekend……

dandelion

 

Comments

  1. longwaytogo says:

    Ha ha, awesome post. My favorite is my 2 year old daughter asking me if I “like going potty with my boy pee pee” with a huge smirk on her face. I’m like , I guess?

    Heading out Monday for a 15 day RV trip ourselves. Portable climbing tripod is pretty sweet. My Brother in-law and I have some playground workouts and stuff planned to stay active.

    Enjoy Canada!

  2. Omg, I really did lol!

  3. Hysterical!!!!

  4. Ohh Tatita cuantos helados tomaremos te extraaño!

  5. So great! That ‘dandelion’ is a Tragopogon pratensis, aka Meadow Goat’s Beard or Meadow Salsify.

    • Of course you knew that. And that, among many other reasons, is why you’ll always have a spot in my lifeboat. I love an opportunity to make a wish, so when I first saw that huge fuzzy head, I thought, I’m gonna make a the BIGGEST wish ever! But I didn’t have the heart to blow it out.

    • They’re pretty great. Wish big, you’ll be doing it a favor spreading its seeds.

  6. Yay, I’m glad you laughed on account of us today!

  7. Very cute ! Had a good laugh!! She is so beautiful and so blessed to have a wonderful Noni!!

  8. What can I say? Kids always ask the embarrassing questions at the worst time!

  9. Lol from the mouths of babes

  10. Welcome to Canada, I hope you enjoy your stay.
    Elaine on Vancouver Island BC Canada

  11. Anjie Villalobos says:

    I about peed my pants reading your story. It brought back so many hilarious memories of my own girls. My oldest daughter, who is now 24 also spoke Spanish before she spoke English….or more accurately Spanglish. Once when she was 2, I came home from work and popped her in the tub as usual. After I finished giving her a scrub, I dried her off and plopped her on the bedroom floor for a few minutes while I ran to the kitchen to check on dinner. I remember hearing this horrible shriek followed by her screaming “No sirve, no sirve…a hole a hole” I got this sick feeling in the pit of my stomach as I raced down the hallway. When I arrived in our room, I found her sitting on the floor in butterfly pose taking a really good look at her lady parts, utterly distraught by what she had found. As you can imagine, I could barely contain my laughter as I consoled her and explained that her vagina was not in fact broken but exactly as it was designed to be. Great story, as always! Keep on sharing!! 😉

  12. She’s getting so big and funny!!!

  13. Hey Tribe,
    I have been down the same road with my younger siblings and now my Nieces.
    I just do my best to be honest and they figure things out in their own time (every child is different) but it comes out of deep right field sometimes!
    Funny post and Sol is growing so fast. She is growing into an extraordinary young lady (great job to all who surround her and guide her.)
    So stoked that you are having such an awesome adventure and raising Sol with so much love and laughter.
    Stevie, did you get my email? I can only imagine the amount of mail and other contacts you guys get so I get it.
    When you get a bit of time give me a call I will P/M my #.
    Hope we can meet up in Arizona this fall.
    Big love to The “Tribe and ALL your fans (even Tree’s dangerous “fan” (the one in SA that attacked him!
    Carry-on.
    WILLY

  14. Have you ever really taken the time to listen to what your kids are saying? I find that the funniest part of my day usually comes from conversations I have with my kids. There is something pure and joyful from these interactions.

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